Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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