Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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