if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
