Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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