3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
