GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
