Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize