She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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