You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
