you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
