Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
