he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
