I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She is in my trunk
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
