John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
