The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
