You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize