Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think I just sharted jello shots
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
