Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize