You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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