youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
