The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
