i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
