I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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