Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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