The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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