Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
