I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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