she woke up with a sticky ear
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize