mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
