so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just cut my nipple shaving
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
