was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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