FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
