Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
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