I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
