Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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