it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
