I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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