Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dignity is for republicans.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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