Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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