Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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