my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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