There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
