I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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