I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He better not be in your backpack
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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