The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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