two words: eviction party
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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