toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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