When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
