walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
