and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
