He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
