I wish my penis had an off switch
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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