dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
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