My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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