I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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