you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
