I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
