What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
