I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
