the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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