So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
