He kissed a someone with a penis
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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