i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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