Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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