Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
