this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
